Teens navigating emotional challenges need guidance to develop intelligence that shapes their future success, mental health, and relationships as they journey through significant brain and hormonal changes.
Key points
- Teens need to build emotional intelligence and learn to manage their emotions as they grow up. These skills shape their future achievements, mental well-being, and overall growth.
- Parents who stay calm and respond to their teens’ feelings can teach their kids useful habits. They also show their kids what being intelligent looks like.
Overview
Helping your teenager recognize and handle their feelings plays a big role in raising their emotional smarts. To guide your teen through the ups and downs of adolescence, understanding emotional intelligence really matters. The teenage years are marked by numerous changes, including physical growth, the development of social skills, and emotional shifts. At this time, the teenage brain undergoes significant changes, while hormones are also working overtime. However, the part of the brain responsible for handling emotions and making rational choices is still maturing. As a result, teenagers often experience intense emotions and rapid mood swings. Unlike younger children, teens experience more significant mood swings and haven’t yet developed the ability adults have to manage their emotions.
This is where you can make a significant difference. Keep these key things in mind when your teen shows emotional reactions.
Notice the emotions your teen shows
Try to spot when your teen feels certain emotions. Notice how they show feelings like happiness, sadness, irritation, stress, curiosity, drive, or excitement. Look at their face, listen to their voice, and observe their body language. Consider this a means to gain a deeper understanding of their emotions and monitor how they manage them over time.
Work together with your teen to create a clear list of words that describe what they experience. It takes time and effort to name and understand emotions, so practice and patience are key for both of you. Remind yourselves that learning about emotions and how to process them is a gradual journey, and it’s okay to make mistakes along the way.
You may also read: Developmental Milestones: Nurturing Growth in Ages 3-5
Think before reacting to your teenager
Parents often react emotionally to what their teen says or does. Instead of jumping into action, take a moment to think. Step back, take a breath, or take a walk for a bit before starting a conversation. Doing this helps you manage your feelings better and demonstrates emotional control, which is essential for building emotional intelligence.
It’s not always easy to stop and take a pause for even 10 to 30 seconds to calm down. Sometimes you’ll forget to pause, and it might feel awkward or messy. Pausing is like any other skill—you get better at it by practising. Try out different ways to pause until you find one that works for both you and your teenager. Below are some methods you can use to pause.
- Take a few deep breaths to calm yourself.
- Look away for a little while.
- Shift your mind to something else.
- Sit to think things over.
- Go to the restroom and freshen up.
- Head to another area of the house.
- Grab a snack or drink.
- Step outdoors to breathe some fresh air.
- Walk around for a short time.
The way you take pauses depends on the situation, the mood of your teen, and your own feelings at that moment. When it’s not a crisis, simply sitting together can be helpful. Another option could be stepping away for a little while, allowing both of you to think things through on your own before discussing them again. You can continue the conversation once you reconnect, whether it takes a few hours or even a couple of days. This gives you the chance to approach your teen with a clear head and better emotional awareness.
You may also read: Toddler 2-3 years: Nurturing Growth, Safety & Well-being
Stay calm while guiding
Helping your teen manage emotions works best when you stay calm yourself. Stay grounded and try not to take their emotional reactions or behaviors as if they are personal criticisms. Their responses come from their growth and experiences, not as a sign of how well you’ve parented them.
Take a moment to check your own emotions before offering support to your teen. Ask yourself: Is now the right time to guide them through their feelings? Am I calm and steady enough for this? Do I have the emotional space and time to focus on their needs at the moment?
- If your answers are yes, you’re in the right place to help them understand their emotions and build emotional smarts.
If you can’t right away, it’s fine to let your teen know you’ll catch up with them later.
You may also read: Infant Developmental Milestones: What to Expect Year One
Talk to your teen
Helping your teen grow opens the door to building a closer bond and boosting their emotional skills. Making time to be there—when emotions run high—is worth it. In the short term, this attention lets your teen feel heard and know you’re there for advice or just to chat about their world. The bigger picture matters too, as studies point out that people with strong relationships and good emotional awareness often live longer and stay healthier.
Listen to your teen’s feelings, show understanding, and hold back from judging.
Use open-ended questions to encourage your teen to build emotional and social awareness. Pay close attention to what they say. Treat these conversations like a team effort, with the goal of helping your teen develop emotional understanding and self-awareness. These are major parts of emotional intelligence, as explained by Daniel Goleman.
When your teen opens up about their experiences, show that you care and understand how they feel. Recognize their emotions and let them know their feelings are valid. Doing this helps them build emotional resilience and manage their emotions more effectively. It also aids in improving how they express their emotions.
Check with them before offering advice
When doing emotional coaching, avoid jumping in to give advice even if you feel like helping. Teens tend to push back when advice feels forced on them. Give them space to ask for help with solving problems or figuring things out. This lets them practice handling emotions staying calm, and building discipline on their own.
You may also read: Understanding Selective Mutism: Beyond Typical Shyness
Emotional coaching doesn’t have to be wrapped up in one talk. Make sure your teen knows you’re there to keep talking when they’re ready. Giving steady support is key to helping them grow and build skills to handle conflicts and challenges better.
When you practice these strategies and demonstrate good emotional awareness yourself, you help your teen learn to manage emotions, enhance their interactions with others, and develop into balanced adults. Goleman, in his research on emotional intelligence, notes that becoming intelligent requires ongoing effort and plays a significant role in achieving success in life and work. Your teen’s emotional growth is connected to yours. By supporting each other, both of you can boost emotional intelligence and feel better overall.
Source:
U.S. Centers for Disease Control (April 18, 2024). Tips for Coaching Teens to Recognize and Manage Emotions. https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-teens/tips-coaching-emotions/index.html
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